I am a firm believer that there is more than one way to be a bitch. There are some women who are bitches for a good cause. The raise hell and do badass things all for the sake of creating a better world (think Joan of Arc). Most women fall in the middle of the bitch spectrum. We all have our moments of catty, backstabbing bitchiness, but we’ll also throw down and smack the ho who even dares to hurt the ones we love.Then there are the insane, evil, murderous bitches who give a bad name to women everywhere…the ones who make you shiver to even think about.
Surprise, surprise..it’s the evil bitches with even crueler agendas who often clawed their way up the ladder of authority to become the HEAD BITCH IN CHARGE. For your reading pleasure, I’ve complied a list of five of those HBICs. Read on, friends…
Mary, Queen of Scots (1516-1558)
File under: Religious Bitch
As a child, how many of you stood in front of your bathroom mirror in the dark and chanted “Bloody Mary”? (I was too much of a weenie to do that). Welp, little did you realize, but you were unintentionally paying homage to the original Bloody Mary—Mary, Queen of Scots.
This bitch was the daughter of the douchy, wife-hating King Henry VIII. After Henry VIII died, Mary’s brother Edward VI took the throne. There was a lot of sibling rivalry between the two because Edward favored an all Protestant England, and Mary was a steadfast Catholic. Edward died young, but before he passed away he cut Mary from the line of his successors to the throne. Too bad, so sad. Mary’s cousin, Jane Grey took the throne next.
If Mary’s life was a movie, this would be the part where she would let forth with a huge evil laugh then yell at Jane, “Don’t you ever underestimate me, you Protestant whore!” Mary used her contacts to have Jane imprisoned and beheaded. Mary waltzed in, took the throne, and unleashed a wave of raging Catholic fury. Mary had more than 280 Protestant’s executed. Yet, a clean and simple beheading was not what Mary had in mind for these rich and powerful Protestants. Mary ordered a much more torturous and drawn out form of death. She had them burned at the stake. There probably would have been many more executions, but around 800 other powerful Protestants ran away with their tails between their legs and left England in exile.
Oh, and by the way: the 280+ deaths that occurred during Mary’s reign? They happened during a span of less than five years. Mary may not have been on the throne for long, but she sure was a HBIC with a mission.
Ilse Koch (1906-1967)
File under: Evil Nazi Bitch
Ilse, Ilse, Ilse…she could have done so much better, but this bitch just had to go off and join the Nazi party. It all went downhill from there. Isle became engaged to Karl Otto Koch of the SS, and began to work as a secretary and guard at the concentration camp that her fiancé ran. After marrying, Karl and Ilse went to work at Buchenwald, another concentration camp. Isle was in charge of overseeing the other female guards.
Now, there weren’t many female guards in concentration camps. You don’t really hear very much about women torturing and executing others—so you can bet that the ones who actually did had to be tough as nails. Isle, their overseer, was undoubtedly the cruelest, most evil, biggest bitch of them all. It was at Buchenwald that Ilse used money confiscated from prisoners to create a sports arena for her fellow Nazis. Umm…what? Of all things, a sports arena?
Along with a bunch of other evil Nazis, Ilse was eventually arrested for her crimes. More than two hundred people testified during the trial. Most witness testified against her, but some were actually there in her defense! (ugh.) Several of the people who testified against Ilse claimed that she would select prisoners with particularly interesting tattoos and have them executed. Then, using their skin, she would create lampshades and other ornamental pieces. Seriously, FREAKING LAMPSHADES!! Although there was never enough evidence to prove this for sure, I kind of get the feeling that this rumor was based on some truth.
Not only was Ilse evil, but she was also a selfish coward. She was sentenced to life in prison, but she just couldn’t stand to pay the price for all of her monstrous acts as evil Nazi HBIC. Rather than spend the rest of her life rotting in prison for her crimes, Ilse hung her self in her prison cell.
Elizabeth Bathory (1560-1614)
File under: Self-centered Vampire Bitch
Elizabeth Bathory was born into a family of Hungarian nobility. When Elizabeth was just 15, she married another Hungarian noble, Ferenc Nadasdy. Ferenc spent most of his married life away from home leading Hungarian forces against the Ottoman Empire. While he was gone, Elizabeth was left as the HBIC of the couple’s estates and the surrounding countryside.
After Ferenc’s death almost thirty years later, Elizabeth was accused of committing countless acts of torture and murder. According to testimony, Elizabeth abducted peasant girls, or lured them to her castle with the promise of a well paying job. She would then starve, mutilate, torture and eventually murder the girls. Eventually, Elizabeth’s crimes escalated as she began to abduct the daughters of wealthy aristocrats. Those girls were said to have suffered the same fate.
Here’s the kicker: according to legend, Elizabeth would bathe in the blood of her victims. She believed that the blood of virgins would restore her youth and beauty. Jeez, didn’t she ever hear of makeup? Or believe in aging gracefully?
Step aside, Twilight vamps: Elizabeth Bathory was the original vampire bitch.
File under: Racist Bitch
Most people have never heard of Patty Cannon. That’s because she lived on the border of the little state of Delaware and neighboring Maryland. As a Delawarean, I learned about Patty Cannon way back in the third grade. Although I would have never used the term “bitch” back then, I realized right away that Patty was one evil lady.
Patty was the HBIC of a gang who kidnapped slaves and free blacks. The gang would transport the people south and sell them off to southern plantation owners for profit. While in the gang’s clutches, the slaves and free blacks would suffer unspeakable beatings, starvation and other cruelties. Although authorities were aware of the gang’s existence, Patty was able to avoid arrest for quite some time. Patty’s house was located right on the border of Delaware and Maryland. When she learned that the authorities were coming for her, she slip across state lines where the police had no jurisdiction. Clever bitch.
Eventually, Patty’s days in the slave trade came to an end. In 1829, a tenant farmer stumbled across buried corpses while plowing the fields on Patty’s Delaware farm. There would be no more denials of Patty’s innocence. She was charged with the murder of four individuals (though she was probably responsible for several more).
Like Ilse Koch, Patty never lived to serve her jail sentence. She died in the clink, probably by self-inflicted poison.
If you’re interested in learning more about Patty Cannon, just stop by the Dover Public Library in Delaware. Her skull is in the library’s special collections in a red hatbox.
Ching Shih (1775-1844)
File under: Badass Pirate HBIC
You’re probably tired of reading about evil women, so I’ll end the post with an HBIC that I actually admire. She was a pretty amazing lady…
Remember in the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie when the Pirate Lords from around the globe get together to combine all 9 pieces of eight in order to release Calypso from her human form? (Sorry if that spoils the movie for you, but really, you should have seen it by now.) Well, you might recall that one of those Pirate Lords was Mistress Ching, from China. Mistress Ching isn’t just some random character that the P.O.C writers pulled from their asses. She was based upon a real-life badass: Ching Shih.
Ching Shih began her life as a badass HBIC while working as a prostitute. Ching had her own “Pretty Woman” moment when she met a man who rescued her from a life of peddling her cha-cha in a Canton brothel. Ching’s Richard Gere was Zheng Yi, a pirate. The two married, then set sail for a life of adventure on the high seas. Zheng Yi built alliances with other Cantonese pirates, and formed one of the fiercest fleets in all of China. The fleet terrorized China—racketeering, kidnapping, pillaging and plundering. Zheng Yi died just a few years later, leaving his position of power open for the taking.
Ching Shih stepped up and took control—which probably pissed off more than a few of her fellow pirates. This bitch just didn’t care. She commanded her fleet up and down the coast of China, raking in tons of loot in the process. All the while, she ruled with an iron fist. Rumor has it that Ching would castrate any pirate who dared to rape a woman. When the Chinese government offered amnesty to pirates in 1810, Ching was smart enough to take it. She kept all her loot, remarried and opened a gambling house where she could continue raking in the dough (legally, this time).
So why is Ching Shih such a badass HBIC? I consider her to be one of the pioneers for female equality in the workplace (although—ahem—her workplace was a pirate ship). AND she stood up for female sexual health and wellbeing by chopping off any would-be rapist’s dick. If that’s not a badass, I don’t know what is.